Here's an entry I posted on my SparkPeople blog on June 28th:
So I posted 3 nights ago that I'd lost 14 pounds so far and I was thrilled! However, the next day, I'd gained two back... no idea why. It disappeared again the following day, but I've been steady for the last two, with no cumulative progress at all. It's difficult to remain focused on the goal when you are not seeing any progress being made. I know this is one of the reasons it is suggested that you only weigh yourself once a week or so - daily fluctuations, and little "stalls" like this one, which will probably resolve themselves in a few days, but are terribly demoralizing at the time.
Regardless, I've been trying to put one foot in front of the other and keeping going. I've done well on calories, not so great on formal exercise - but, my daily activity level picked up significantly with the start of my new job. Which is the driving force behind why this is actually a *positive* entry.
One of the pairs of uniform shorts I'd been issued had a broken zipper. I brought it in today to exchange it for a pair that would actually, you know, stay on. When I got there, however, they told me they were out of my size and asked if I'd like to try a size up or down. Feeling optimistic, I decided to try a size down, knowing how devastated I'd be for them not to fit. I grabbed them and ran into the fitting room before I could chicken out.
They fit perfectly.
Such a small victory came at such a decisive time in my stream of motivation. I needed to see progress when the scale wasn't moving, and here it was, in durable khaki. I asked the woman behind the country if they looked alright, and she told me they looked great.
I thanked her, and told her I'd be back when these didn't fit, either.
Unfortunately, since that point, I've made no progress at all. The scale is just STUCK at -14 pounds. Since early last week. The fact I could move down a pants size was briefly motivating, but as yet another week passed and I saw no results, though I was sticking to all my routines, my gung-ho attitude slowly began to wonder if it was all worth it in the end.
I know, of course, consciously, that these things happened. I dropped weight VERY quickly at first, and, chances are, my metabolism is just balancing out after that and I'll pick back up at a normal 2ish pounds a week (instead of 6!) after that happens.
I can sit here and type that paragraph 85 times, but it isn't going to help how I feel, emotionally, about this.
So I did (what I believed was) the logical thing - I gave myself a cheat day. On July 4th, we had free ice cream and a pot luck at work. I made a sausage and cheese rice bake to share and helped myself to a large portion. I had donuts, a cookie, and a fried chicken wing. At home, I ate some noodles. I thought it was all delicious, and glorious, and wonderful. Except, I realized... I felt terrible! All my energy was gone and familiar gastric issues crept back up. Now, 24 hours later, I'm balancing back out, but I had another epiphany moment as a result of my "cheat day."
What I realized was: even when all the work I put into calorie counting (measuring, logging, tracking all other nutrients, finding a meal to fit into what I need to eat, etc) isn't paying off on the scale, I'm still getting healthier. The benefits are still there, in my energy level, my mood, my attitude - they're all improved! Maybe the scale isn't responding how I'd like it to, but the feeling of being HEALTHY is just amazing.
I wish I could say I'm 100% renewed in my motivation and ready to take on the world again, but I'm still fighting reservations regarding my ultimate success and feelings of failure and inadequacy. I do, however, have another purpose now, and another gauge to track my progress. I certainly won't pretend I'll never cheat again, but at least now I feel like I have another path to follow even when the trail isn't leading where I thought I wanted to go.
